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Πιγκουίνοι, τένις και ψυχομετρικά πειράματα από μια γνωστή παρέα...


Διάρκεια: 5'24''

Ολόκληρο το transcript εδώ.

Το τραγούδι των φιλοσόφων

Έχοντας πέσει με τα μούτρα στο δύσκολο πρόβλημα του Chalmers, αναρωτιόμουν (ξανά) τι παίρνει ακριβώς και δεν μπορούσα παρά να θυμηθώ ένα σχετικό τραγουδάκι των Pythons για τους φιλοσόφους γενικότερα... Το ότι κάνουν τους Αυστραλούς καθηγητές φιλοσοφίας λέτε να είναι τυχαίο;
(4 λεπτά είναι όλο κι όλο για αυτούς που βιάζονται...)

BRUCE I (EI):
Good evening, Ladies and Bruces!

BRUCE II (MP):
Hello, Bruce.

BRUCE I:
G'day, Bruce.

BRUCE III (NI):
How are ya, Bruce.

BRUCE I:
How are ya, Bruce?

BRUCE II:
What's all this lot, Bruce?

BRUCE I:
Well, it's very nice to be here at the Hollywood Bowl this evening! (cheers
from the crowd) We're all philosophy professors from the University of
Woolamaloa, Australia!

BRUCES:
Australia, Australia, Australia!

BRUCE I AND II:
We love ya!

BRUCE III:
God help her!

BRUCE I:
I teach Hegaelian philosophy, Bruce here teaches Aristotolean philosophy,
and Bruce here is in charge of the sheep dip.

BRUCE II:
[Cough] Bloody difficult work, I tell ya!

BRUCE I:
I'll tell you what, it's thirsty work watching this kind of humor, Bruce.
Why don't you just stick out a few of these little free samples from your
Esky and leave ----

BRUCE II:
What, give these ---- give these Americans our precious cans of ----

[Bruce II throws cans of Fosters from his ice box into the audience.]

BRUCE I:
See how awful they are, grasping and go-getting.

BRUCE II:
Okay, one over there.

BRUCE I:
You can feel morally superior and smug.

BRUCE II:
Right, there's one coming right over there. Mind out, charlies! A big one,
one big one, there we go!

BRUCE I:
All right! Now, the reason we do this, Ladies and Bruces, is frankly over
here we find your American beer is a little like making love in a canoe.

BRUCE III:
Making love in a canoe?

BRUCE I:
It's fucking close to water!

BRUCE II:
Piss!

BRUCE I:
Well now, we're going to try and raise the tone a little here by singing a
nice intellectual song for for those two or three of you in the audience...

BRUCE II:
Right!

BRUCE I:
...who understand these things. So, here we go!

BRUCES:
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table
David Hume could out-consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel
There's nothing Nietszche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist
Socrates himself was permanently pissed...

(cheers from audience)

BRUCE I:
Just a...

BRUCE II:
How do you like that? All right!

BRUCE I:
Let's hold it a second. I can see some of these Bruces are in a bit of a
playful mood tonight. Ain't it that, Bruce?

BRUCE II:
Yeah, Bruce.

BRUCE I:
Some of the ones that don't have straws up their nose. Anyway, why don't we
do something rather... Why don't we get some of these guys to sing along
with us? Okay, and some of the Sheilas too.

BRUCE II:
Ok, I've got the words somewhere.

BRUCE I:
Right! Ready!

BRUCE II:
Right! Ready!

ALL:
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable

[Bruce II is holding a tiny piece of paper with the lyrics on it, much too
far away to see. =) ]

BRUCE II (weakly):
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy...

[Much laughter from the audience]

BRUCE I:
They're a typical Hollywood audience. All the kids are on drugs, and all the
adults are on roller skates.

BRUCE II:
Very philosophical, Bruce, I like it.

BRUCE I:
Have we got any... have we got anything bigger to put the words up for these
rather shortsighted people?

[A scantily clad Sheila (CC) enters. Words appear on a large screen in back.]

BRUCE II:
This is Bruce from the Biology Department.

BRUCE I:
All right. Okay, here we go.

ALL:
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable

BRUCE II:
Come on!

ALL:
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table
David Hume could out-consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel
There's nothing Nietszche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist
Socrates himself was permanently pissed
John Stuart Mill of his own free will
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill
Plato they say could stick it away
Half a crate of whiskey every day
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle
Hobbes was fond of his Dram
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart
"I drink, therefore I am !"
Yes Socrates himself is particularly missed
A lovely little thinker
But a bugger when he's pissed

Romanes Eunt Domus

Είμαστε γενετικά προδιαθετιμένοι να καταλάβουμε και να αφομοιώσουμε οποιαδήποτε γλώσσα μέσα στην οποία ανατραφούμε. Μετά, αναλαμβάνει η εκπαίδευση για να χρησιμοποιούμε τη γλώσσα "σωστά". Με τις γνωστές παιδαγωγικές μεθόδους.

Τι σας θυμίζει το παρακάτω από τα μαθητικά σας χρόνια;

CENTURION: What's this, then? 'Romanes Eunt Domus'? 'People called Romanes they go the house'?
BRIAN: It-- it says, 'Romans, go home'.
CENTURION: No, it doesn't. What's Latin for 'Roman'? Come on!
BRIAN: Aah!
CENTURION: Come on!
BRIAN: 'R-- Romanus'?
CENTURION: Goes like...?
BRIAN: 'Annus'?
CENTURION: Vocative plural of 'annus' is...?
BRIAN: Eh. 'Anni'?
CENTURION: 'Romani'. 'Eunt'? What is 'eunt'?
BRIAN: 'Go'. Let--
CENTURION: Conjugate the verb 'to go'.
BRIAN: Uh. 'Ire'. Uh, 'eo'. 'Is'. 'It'. 'Imus'. 'Itis'. 'Eunt'.
CENTURION: So 'eunt' is...?
BRIAN: Ah, huh, third person plural, uh, present indicative. Uh, 'they go'.
CENTURION: But 'Romans, go home' is an order, so you must use the...?
BRIAN: The... imperative!
CENTURION: Which is...?
BRIAN: Umm! Oh. Oh. Um, 'i'. 'I'!
CENTURION: How many Romans?
BRIAN: Ah! 'I'-- Plural. Plural. 'Ite'. 'Ite'.
CENTURION: 'Ite'.
BRIAN: Ah. Eh.
CENTURION: 'Domus'?
BRIAN: Eh.
CENTURION: Nominative?
BRIAN: Oh.
CENTURION: 'Go home'? This is motion towards. Isn't it, boy?
BRIAN: Ah. Ah, dative, sir! Ahh! No, not dative! Not the dative, sir! No! Ah! Oh, the... accusative! Accusative! Ah! 'Domum', sir! 'Ad domum'! Ah! Oooh! Ah!
CENTURION: Except that 'domus' takes the...?
BRIAN: The locative, sir!
CENTURION: Which is...?!
BRIAN: 'Domum'.
CENTURION: 'Domum'.
BRIAN: Aaah! Ah.
CENTURION: 'Um'. Understand?
BRIAN: Yes, sir.
CENTURION: Now, write it out a hundred times.
BRIAN: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.
CENTURION: Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
BRIAN: Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir! Oh. Mmm!
Finished!
ROMAN SOLDIER STIG: Right. Now don't do it again.
[CENTURIONS chase BRIAN]
MAN: Hey! Bloody Romans.

Python-ιακή σύνταξη

Διαβάζοντας το Language Instinct, έμεινα εντυπωσιασμένος από το πώς μερικοί απλοί γραμματικοί κανόνες μπορούν να δημιουργήσουν τόσο πολύπλοκες προτάσεις και συγχρόνως να βγαίνει νόημα.

Βέβαια, οι κανόνες αυτοί μπορούν να υποστούν κατάχρηση... από κάποιους κακοήθεις...

Headmaster: All right, settle down, settle down. [He puts his
   papers down.] Now before I begin the lesson will those of you
   who are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes
   down on to the lower peg immediately after lunch before you
   write your letter home, if you're not getting your hair cut,
   unless you've got a younger brother who is going out this
   weekend as the guest of another boy, in which case collect his
   note before lunch, put it in your letter after you've had your
   hair cut, and make sure he moves your clothes down onto the
   lower peg for you. Now...

Wymer: Sir?

Headmaster: Yes, Wymer?

Wymer: My younger brother's going out with Dibble this weekend,
   sir, but I'm not having my hair cut today sir, so do I move my
   clothes down or...

Headmaster: I do wish you'd listen, Wymer, it's perfectly simple.
   If you're not getting your hair cut, you don't have to move
   your brother's clothes down to the lower peg, you simply
   collect his note before lunch after you've done your scripture
   prep when you've written your letter home before rest, move
   your own clothes on to the lower peg, greet the visitors, and
   report to Mr Viney that you've had your chit signed.

Argument clinic

Στην επιστήμη υπάρχουν κάποιοι κανόνες για να αποφασίζουμε ποιος λέει πράγματα που στέκουν και ποιος λέει βλακείες: Λέμε τις ιδέες μας (ιδανικά, σε μορφή δημοσιεύσεων), κάποιοι άλλοι τις κρίνουν, απαντάμε, απαντάνε και οι άλλοι και γενικά προσπαθούμε να κάνουμε μια τέτοια ανταλλαγή επιχειρημάτων, ώστε να ελαχιστοποιήσουμε τις βλακείες και να μας μείνουν αυτά που στέκουν.

Δυστυχώς όμως, υπάρχουν φορές που αυτός ο διάλογος αναλώνεται στο ποιος θα επαναλάβει τις απόψεις του περισσότερες φορές ή πιο δυνατά και, φυσικά, χάνεται η ουσία.

Όλες αυτές τις παραπάνω βλακείες τις γράφω για να υποστηρίξω το δικό μου συμπέρασμα: Οι Monty Python κολλάνε παντού και καταφέρνουν να κάνουν σοβαρές νύξεις μέσα από ανοησίες.

Αντεπιχειρήματα;

Man: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
Man: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man: Well, what is the cost?
Receptionist: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
Receptionist: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
(Pause)
Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ah yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
Man: Thank you.
(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)
Mr Barnard: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Man: Well, I was told outside that...
Mr Barnard: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
Man: What?
Mr Barnard: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
Man: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Mr Barnard: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
Man: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Mr Barnard: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
Man: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Mr Barnard: Not at all.
Man: Thank You. (Under his breath) Stupid git!!
(Walk down the corridor)
Man: (Knock)
Mr Vibrating: Come in.
Man: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr Vibrating: I told you once.
Man: No you haven't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I have.
Man: When?
Mr Vibrating: Just now.
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: You didn't
Mr Vibrating: I did!
Man: You didn't!
Mr Vibrating: I'm telling you I did!
Man: You did not!!
Mr Vibrating: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
Man: Oh, just the five minutes.
Mr Vibrating: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
Man: You most certainly did not.
Mr Vibrating: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
Man: No you did not.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: You didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Did.
Man: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.
Man: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: It is!
Mr Vibrating: It is not.
Man: Look, you just contradicted me.
Mr Vibrating: I did not.
Man: Oh you did!!
Mr Vibrating: No, no, no.
Man: You did just then.
Mr Vibrating: Nonsense!
Man: Oh, this is futile!
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: I came here for a good argument.
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: It can be.
Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is!
Man: No it isn't!
Man: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: It is.
Mr Vibrating: Not at all.
Man: Now look.
Mr Vibrating: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
Man: What?
Mr Vibrating: That's it. Good morning.
Man: I was just getting interested.
Mr Vibrating: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
Man: That was never five minutes!
Mr Vibrating: I'm afraid it was.
Man: It wasn't.
(Pause)
Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
Man: What?!
Mr Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
Mr Vibrating: (Hums)
Man: Look, this is ridiculous.
Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Man: Oh, all right.
(pays money)
Mr Vibrating: Thank you. (short pause)
Man: Well?
Mr Vibrating: Well what?
Man: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
Mr Vibrating: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Man: I just paid!
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.
Man: I DID!
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.
Man: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
Mr Vibrating: Well, you didn't pay.
Man: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.
Man: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
Mr Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man: Oh I've had enough of this.
Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.
Man: Oh Shut up.

Για να μην αφήσουμε και τη Φιλοσοφία παραπονεμένη...